Monday Morning Fear Check...

I am in a lucky place in my life right now. I have no crazy obligations and my husband is not screaming at me to get a part time job. I really have all day to paint, I just have to do it. 

Yet again, I feel I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I can step into my dreams, into my joy- yet I hesitate. When I say it aloud logically it's not a monumental or scary thing. Leap, create, paint, do what you have been saying you always wanted to do. Emotionally, as I sit here and contemplate painting or making art, that old fear rises and my stomach feels queasy. 

"Committ, to you my love? "

I know who's here, it's my old nemesis Resistance. It's been beating me for 25 years, always coming up with a cunning excuse or new argument for why it's stupid to chase my dreams. All I can do is take it day by day like an alcoholic. God grant me the courage to create today- to slap resistance off my back.

Maybe that is why  "artist" seems to be a negative archetype. The daily inner battle of resistance and fear - so I repeat my mantra: 

I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... l love...

love...

Explaining Inspiration

This week I spent a little time exploring a new creative process that turned out to be a blast. I want to share it with you because whether you make art or not, we all have the choice to look at the world around us and see what peaks our interest and create a life that's beautiful.

This process was taught by Tracy Verdugo on Tamara LaPorte's "LifeBook 2016," an online course I have been taking for the past two years. As an artist I am often asked where do I get my inspiration. Usually, I respond with "I don't know" or the equally vague  "life, I guess." But really, inspiration is everywhere - you just have to be willing to pay attention to the details. 

In this process, Tracy teaches students to make inspiration bundles as a creative prompt. The task was to go through 6 or 7 books or papers you have collected and tear out a random image (don't over think it) so that you have a stack of about 7 to 12 pieces of paper. Taking each piece of paper one at a time see what appeals to you and incorporate that into your piece. Below is my finished painting that, in the end,  I was very happy with. BUT - like everything in life - there was a catch...

"Little Details" 9 x 12" mixed media

This is my first image and it is not hard to see where the figure is represented. What WAS hard and what you do not see is that underneath all the layers there was a beautiful, painstakingly  painted re-creation of this woman in black and white. Then I came to my next image and had to  decide what to lose and what to keep. What to paint over and what to incorporate.

In the end it turned out to be a much more interesting painting because of what was kept and lost. That is how I see life. We can try as hard as we can to be something we think we "should" be, to hang on tight to those images and stories we want to tell about ourselves. However, the real beauty is in the details. What we observe, discard and layer. That is how we take our world and create a life that is authentic and worth living.

Each image below is represented in the finished product. Can you spot the inspirational details?

Yes, even a #10 envelope can be inspiring if you really look at it.

Sing in Me O Muse

Right now I am feeling thankful that I have this time to work in my studio and get connected back to my spirit and my art.

My usual M.O. Would be to rush into some crazy job or volunteer opportunity to create self worth. But instead of panicking, I am going to trust that my highest hope for myself and God's will for me are in alignment. My path (career or otherwise) is unfolding and I need to trust not panic.

Yesterday, I sat with my thoughts and called in the muse. Above is a picture of her surrounded by symbols of where I am and want to go creatively. She is colorful and bold - just what I hoped to call in.

"Sing in me O Muse, and through me tell the story." -a rough translation of Homer's invocation to the Muse. 

What are you thankful for today? Are you going to trust your spirit or panic?

On Self Forgiveness and Lack of Oxygen

What is this creative blog becoming?
Lately, it is moving toward a personal journal of reflections. I guess that is what happens when you do not have your art supplies to post about...

This past month I have had really bad hip and neck pain. I have not done yoga regularly since the beginning of summer and decided that I could put it off no longer. (Resistance always kicks my butt!) As I lay there on the floor (no yoga mat) after all the gentle stretching and a lot of movements that involved opening and stretching my throat, I was suddenly flooded with emotion and tears. All these memories flashed in my mind of stupid things I did in high school and college. I felt so bad for the people I hurt back then. To be fair, it was nothing more than the immature dramatics of a 19 or 20 year old girl dating or trying to feel better about herself. I was playing at relationships - playing the part of a soap opera actress!

But, as I lay there starting to beat myself up again, I had a small shift. Something told me to quit thinking about it, forgive, myself and let it go.
How many times have I beat myself up for something that someone else may not even remember? How many times have I tamped down my joy because my sadistic ego throws these memories at me randomly and I beat myself up all over again? How many times? Too many to count. Does that happen to you? Are you sailing along and then you get assaulted with the guilt of some past transgression that in the scheme of life does not even matter anymore? These are the things that eat at my self worth. 

BUT today, I had a small shift. Instead of the usual shame spiral, this time I told myself it was okay. If I am going to be open to receiving more love in my life I have to also be open to more self love. "It is okay. Forgive yourself!" I thought. And the tears became a release I could feel in the tension that was melting out of my neck.
Would I beat either of my young daughters up for the next twenty years for some stupid mistake? No, I would say "You were young, you were just learning how to be an adult. Look at you now! Look how far you have come and what a good person you are." So I did myself the same favor this morning. The 45 year old mother in me told the 19 year old child in me to forgive myself and let it go. Then I did.
I also thought about the wrongs that were done to me at that time. I honestly could not feel any anger or harbor any bad feelings toward those people either. They were forgiven long ago.  I always knew at the time we were all just doing the best we could do and muddling through adolescence. I am sorry it took me so long to forgive myself for things that I readily forgave in other people.  Ahhh! Deep breath, I forgive myself for being young and stupid. I let myself off the hook and I am now officially moving on!

Is that just the way of things? Are we willing to look over things in others that we judge ourselves so harshly by? We could save ourselves so much trouble and hurry the process along for everyone if we just reversed things a bit.

Generosity, forgiveness and love to ourselves first = generosity, forgiveness and love to others!

As they always caution on airplanes, you are supposed to put your oxygen mask on first before you help others. If we did that in life we would probably do a lot less damage to other people - You know– lack of oxygen causes brain damage...

A Visit to a German Cemetery

Warning: This is a gross generalization, as I have only been to two German cemeteries. If you are okay with that read on, if not, read something else. 

The German cemetery is totally different than most US cemeteries I have seen. I get the sense that cemeteries back home are mostly a place where we bury the dead but don't really memorialize them. It's not that we forget about them it's just that we choose to honor their memory in other places. (I know there are exceptions)

Not so here. The two graveyards I have been to were bustling centers. In Kaiserslautern proper, the main cemetery is surrounded by flower shops, tombstone sculptors and bakeries.

I have been by the main cemetery many times. Sitting on a bench at the entrance I am stuck by the people continually coming in to tend the graves, mostly older women.  They use water cans and spigots that are located throughout the grounds to water their potted plants, no silk flowers here. Each family plot is carefully swept and raked.

I am not sure what all this says about a culture. What does it mean when you revere the dead so? What does it mean when you don't? Does your life matter less as the generations pass and your grave is forgotten? Of course, the more money you have the bigger your tombstone... Does that mean you were a better person? It makes me wonder what a modern day Saint like Mother Theresa's grave looks like.  Is this just another way we chase immortality?

Whatever the meaning, if they all look like this, I would rather walk around in a German cemetery. They are much more interesting.

Asian inspired family plot. 

This tombstone includes an all-weather color photo and additional statue.  

The happy couple in perpetuity. 

A place to tout your accomplishments.  Apparently he was a pretty good soccer player.

A snail hanging out on a gravestone. 

A store flyer advertising memorial candles. 

Three Weeks In, Learning a Little.

It's hard to believe that I've been in Germany for about three weeks. In some ways it feels like a very long time. One thing is clear, I am going to have to quit eating like I am on vacation! 

As we settle in I have made a few astute observations I thought I would share. (In no particular order).

• In this part of Germany they LOVE Subway sandwich shops. They're everywhere. I guess that freshly baked bread smell is global.

• Germans did not get the memo about smoking. It's like the 1970s over here. There are vending machines on all the street corners and people smoke everywhere.

Hey kid - Get away from there, those things will kill ya! 

• The trend of "lobe gauging" or stretching is (literally) huge here.  It's not just the kids doing it either. I am not sure why this trend is becoming so mainstream. I can't figure out what people are trying to say with it. Are they claiming some sort of tribal heritage or solidarity with aboriginal cultures or are they saying "I am so rich I can afford the reconstruction surgery, no problem."

If you get bored with your ears you can stretch your nose or your lips. 

 • The radio does not play edited versions of songs here. I guess the curse words aren't the same.  I had no idea some of the kids favorite songs were so dirty. They don't seem to like it when we're riding down the road and I try to reach around to the backseat and cover their ears. I think they're embarrassed or something.

• German houses have no closets. I now get why they sell all those wardrobes at IKEA. Maybe it's my karma for complaining that my previous house had no storage space. 

• Rats look the same. 

• Squirrels look different. Here they are skinny and red, not an unpleasant change. 

Hey little squirrelly... 

• The US certainly does not corner the market on obesity. I think it's no secret that a lot of people enjoy their beer and sausage in this region.  I believed the stereotype that Europeans were so healthy compared to us Americans. The moral of the story is: invest your money in drug companies that make diabetes meds. Drugs sales are booming everywhere!

Beer and sausage add to Germany's bottom line. 

 Look for more inane observations later! Also, leave a comment and let me know what you think of these.

Up next, I will share a recent visit to a beautiful cometary and tell you about our new recycling regime.

Auf Weidersehen! 

Observations on a beginning

I am finally letting my guard down for the first time since the beginning of July. How is it that Doug always seems to handle these things better?  I have been so busy, so many lines on the to do list that I have really not slowed down to think about our situation until now. 

I dropped the kids off at their new school and Doug to his new job and then I think my body said enough! I promptly got a sore throat, started feeling feverish and the tears began to roll. 

Dont get me wrong, I chose this move. I felt like if I did not do it now I'd never be given another chance for this experience. 

See, I've always wanted to live in Europe, Italy to be exact, but really anywhere in Europe. My husband and I both previously applied for jobs here in Germany and things never worked out. This time things worked with lightening fast precision. So fast, in fact, it has almost been unnerving. A God thing for my spiritual friends a freaky coincidence for my non-spiritual.

It's true, I was very, very happy in DC.  I loved my home, my friends, my church, my kid's school, my routine. I knew when school started back I would sub a few days a week to help with bills and then the rest of the time I would throw myself into creating art and building my art business. I was very content with that scenario.

But I also realize that is a perfect time for God to expand me or others that find themselves in that situation. I was perfectly happy, that's when I got my big life changer. Not when I wanted it before, when I was more unsettled and trying to force things.

So- here I sit in a temporary house in Sembach, Germany, weepy with a sore throat. Trying to nurse it with hot tea and aspirin. In one hour I will head to the girls school and try not to look like I am upset.

As I write this it's 7:30 am at home.  I say a prayer for my friend with the hardest school commute. I am sorry I can't be there to help her this week.

I still have busy work to do (get a German driver's license, Dr. Appointments, etc.) then I suppose I will get a job so we can start paying off this crazy move over here! Let's see, there's the expense of getting the old house up to rental code, the pet's trip over, new car for us here and a new house to live in here. (By the way, German landlords expect three months rent deposit -ouch- that you will probably not get back. The houses also don't come with closets. Now I know why IKEA sells all those wardrobes.) I now realize  "they are paying to move us" means they are simply shipping our household goods for us.

Writing this all out has made me feel better. Perhaps it's been a downer for you reading it, especially if you read my Facebook post yesterday. But for now this is where I am at. --Stick with me. I promise it will get better and cheerier. Things usually do! 

Very soon I will be back to posting artwork and observations on life in a foreign country. Expect many stories on how I embarrass my 12 year old by sticking out as American. I am sure one day soon I will feel happily contented with life here and that is when God will move us on to another adventure. But for now I will just work on keeping my guard down for a little longer and lean into feeling sad.

Country road in Sembach

Committed

I found out we are moving to Germany at the end of the summer. Amidst all the craziness and to do lists I have been managing to paint in the mornings. (My Instagram feed has a better record). 

This morning I painted a tomato. I really love painting them for some reason. Niw that monkey is off my back, time to do some packing.

Heirloom Tomato  

Beginnings, Endings and Beginning Again

Ah life! It is a constant series of beginnings and endings and then beginning again. 
I finished up my five week stint as art teacher sub. Overall it was a blast, though it had its high points and a few low points. You could tell the kids were REALLY ready to be out of school by week three, and to be fair the teachers were too. I had a lot of great photos I wanted to share of monsters we created that somehow were lost on my phone... hmmmm.  Should I take it as a sign? Maybe I am not ready to get my teaching license just yet.

Baby Birds & Chickens, my favorite!

I indulged myself this past week by making my Early Childhood classes through first grade paint chickens and baby birds- some of my favorite subject matter. 

I realize when I am calm and approach the children with the attitude "I am here to serve you" things have gone great. This past week I made it a point to try and look each child I talked to directly in the eye and see them as an individual person. For the most part they still inhabit that magical realm you get to live in until you are about nine. It is a gift to be reminded that there is still magic in the world... Like the magic of crayons and watercolor paint...

These chickens are somewhere over the rainbow. One chicken is even carrying her chicks on her back! 

Love those colors! 

Molly's sun is in glasses. 

Primary Color Baby Chicks

So cute! 

My New Adventure

This week I started a five week odyssey as an elementary school art teacher, well, the long-term substitute anyway. Our regular art teacher is on maternity leave and she left some pretty big shoes to fill. 

Its been a fun week with only a few incidents... 

One awesome thing about kids and art: the younger they are the more creatively free they are. Children are so bold, decisive and liberal about their colors and their compositions. Kiddos are all about the process and what looks and feels good in the moment.

Unfortunately, I can see a lot of the older kids (4th and 5th graders) are starting to care more about their final product and less about the process.  

When their final product does not exactly match the picture in their mind, some of them get upset, melt down and give up. 

A lesson learned for everyone (especially aspiring artists)  *Don't skip ahead and fixate on the final product. Respect the process - focus on the process - enjoy the process! *Applies to all activities.

Living in the moment, minute by minute, that's how I'll make it through the rest of the year. Trying to appreciate each kid and where they are in each moment. 

Week one? So far so good!

p.s. I get it Mom, a full week of teaching art doesn't leave a lot of energy for personal art. 

Painting a flower garden. 

1st Grade work. 

Petunia the duck, thank you #deepspacesparkle #petunia

Boxes of poems to plant in the park. 

Museum Mondays

Today, I finally made it to the Renwick Gallery to see the show called Wonder. Since November I have seen pictures of it in everyone's Facebook feed and almost decided not to see it. I did decide, however, that if I did see it I would not be one of those people taking photos and selfies throughout the entire exhibit. I would just look at the art with my eyes I instead of through my phone screen.

Whether you feel like you have seen the show already (by looking at everyone's photos) or if you are not familiar with it, I recommend you check it out. The works of art displayed there are beautiful and will leave you "wondering" how the artist came up with their ideas and executed them. This show is for all ages and will even interest those who don't care to go to an art museum.

I almost kept my no photo promise until I made it to the room that was covered in bug wallpaper... 

Colored, 3-D jewels. I can't imagine pinning all those insects to the wall. 

You can catch Wonder at the Renwick through May 8th. 

The Renwick is located on Pennsylvania Avenue at 17th St. NW.

Pattern Hunting at the National Gallery of Art

One of the things I love about living in Washington, DC is going to the National Gallery of Art. When people think of free museums they usually think of the Smithsonian museums on the mall. But DC has three free art museums; The National Gallery of Art (NGA), The Hirschhorn, and the Smithsonian American Art Museum & Portrait Gallery.

I think one of the best ways to learn to draw is to copy a painting or sculpture.  As a practice I try to get to a museum about once a week (if I am lucky). The NGA never disappoints me! I can always find a painting by a famous artist I never noticed before or discover something new in a painting I've seen a million times. Now that the NGA is rotating some of their art, presumably to make room for their acquisitions from the Corcoran (that is another discussion), there are more new things to see.

Recently, I made a trip to the NGA to collect patterns. Instead of picking a painting to study and draw, I decided to look at paintings and find patterns I could use for inspiration in one of my own paintings. Here is a small sample of what I found.

detail of "Odalisque Seated with Arms Raised" by Henri Matisse

Matisse may very well be the master of pattern and color. He can take the simple and make it sublime...

detail of cloth in Auguste Renoir's "Odalisque"

detail of dress hem in John Singleton Copley's "The Copley Family"

The curls on this sculpture almost look like octopus tendrils.

The pattern on this skirt is beautifully painted. You can tell by the hands it's a Sargent...
detail of John Singer Sargent's "Repose"

This modern looking painting is actually a Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painted on cardboard.  The skirt, the fence and shirt are all full of simplified marks. 

If you live in DC and want to go to the museum to draw... send me an email. We'll make an afternoon of it!

It's never too late to make good on a resolution...

...It's never too late to make a resolution for the new year
- even if it is February 2nd!

I could not believe it when I looked at the date on the last blog post. - November 13th? It’s been three months since I declared to say YES to more art time for myself.

It has not all been a bust. Art has been made. Time has been well used and wasted. There have been many Yes’s and No’s. I have just not shared it all publicly.

When I started this website and this art journal I had the goal of sharing my art and sharing some of my struggles and triumphs with whoever might stumble upon this site. I quickly found out that making art was much easier that writing a blog post. 

I tried to tell myself that I was too old and that blogging was for people younger than me. The younger generations have no problem baring their souls. Of course that is not true, age is only an excuse. I also tried to tell myself that I was avoiding it because I was afraid of failure. If I wrote a blog or put myself out there I would be opening myself up to failure and could I handle that? Of course that was not true either, generally, I have the optimism of Scarlett O’Hara.

What is true is this: I have not written a blog post in three months or promoted my art as much as I should have because I have been afraid to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is hard!  

Being vulnerable means I open myself up to the possibility that you may not like me, my art or what I have to say.

Being vulnerable means I take off the layer of protection I wear. When you draw attention to yourself you loose the safety of the herd. That is why it takes courage.

 Being vulnerable looks like me putting myself out there, creating art, talking about my struggles, fears and triumphs and saying “Hey, I did this.” 

This year I resolve to be courageous by allowing my armor to drop and to be more vulnerable.  I resolve to blog at least once a week and post my other artistic endeavors on Facebook and Instagram when they happen. I resolve to list all my paintings that are for sale on Etsy or some other marketplace. 

If I am not willing to do that, I need to pack up my paints and go home! 
Geesh, I hope this gets easier...

 

Thanks to Brene Brown for The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly.