Honest Reflection On a Hole in the Street

It's January 4th and I am sitting here doing a mental round-up of the past year and contemplating my goals for the future.  

I have been putting off this self-reflection because the (depressing) truth is that there might have been small changes this year and years past but really, I am still in the same place in my art life that I have been for years. Essentially, I have a pattern of one step forward and two to three steps back. I have good intentions but how is it - without making too many excuses- that I find myself in almost the same place I've always been at?

What makes me uncomfortable to admit is that though my intentions are good or the vague goals I set are good, I am actually just living out a series of habituated, auto-pilot behaviors. 

This year I did paint a lot more, I did sell more paintings (18) and I posted more. But, I did not sustain it and I allowed my usual insecurities about money and worthiness to get in the way of painting, selling, posting and enjoying it even more. 

I used to say frequently to myself "I don't want to be 60 years old and still complaining that I don't have time to do "my" art." It occurred to me in this time of contemplation that 60 years old is only 14 years away!! (Gulp) What am I waiting on to really get this off the ground and accomplish the things I want to? I am not content to keep going in the same way that I have been, because inside I am unsettled and know I could be doing more. I don't want to regret all the ideas and pictures in my head that I am not allowing to come to life because of fear or complacency. 

I think what is really at the heart of it all is that I don't truly, down deep inside, believe it is available to me. I don't believe that having this life of my dreams (successful, money making artist and teacher) is an option. I could try to figure out why I feel that way and go over all the possible reasons but that does not change anything and only makes me think that negative thought even more. Instead of reinforcing that belief I need to change it. If a belief is just a thought you think over and over again, I need to reprogram myself with some new beliefs.

This poem by Portia Nelson sums things up beautifully:

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

I think I am teetering between chapters four and five. I am at the corner, I see the hole. I am standing here biting my nails, looking at the hole and also trying to see down the other street. The other street's view is obstructed so I don't exactly know what is down there. That's what makes taking it so scary and why I am hesitating about which way to go.

Can I live consciously in a way that will take me out of auto-pilot and down a brand new street?
Do I have the courage to try and live the joyful life I want?

All it requires is one step, but in which direction?

What are you contemplating for the new year? Leave me a comment and we'll talk!
Wishing you a lovely 2018,
Beth

Monday Morning Fear Check...

I am in a lucky place in my life right now. I have no crazy obligations and my husband is not screaming at me to get a part time job. I really have all day to paint, I just have to do it. 

Yet again, I feel I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I can step into my dreams, into my joy- yet I hesitate. When I say it aloud logically it's not a monumental or scary thing. Leap, create, paint, do what you have been saying you always wanted to do. Emotionally, as I sit here and contemplate painting or making art, that old fear rises and my stomach feels queasy. 

"Committ, to you my love? "

I know who's here, it's my old nemesis Resistance. It's been beating me for 25 years, always coming up with a cunning excuse or new argument for why it's stupid to chase my dreams. All I can do is take it day by day like an alcoholic. God grant me the courage to create today- to slap resistance off my back.

Maybe that is why  "artist" seems to be a negative archetype. The daily inner battle of resistance and fear - so I repeat my mantra: 

I love myself... I love myself... I love myself... l love...

love...

It's never too late to make good on a resolution...

...It's never too late to make a resolution for the new year
- even if it is February 2nd!

I could not believe it when I looked at the date on the last blog post. - November 13th? It’s been three months since I declared to say YES to more art time for myself.

It has not all been a bust. Art has been made. Time has been well used and wasted. There have been many Yes’s and No’s. I have just not shared it all publicly.

When I started this website and this art journal I had the goal of sharing my art and sharing some of my struggles and triumphs with whoever might stumble upon this site. I quickly found out that making art was much easier that writing a blog post. 

I tried to tell myself that I was too old and that blogging was for people younger than me. The younger generations have no problem baring their souls. Of course that is not true, age is only an excuse. I also tried to tell myself that I was avoiding it because I was afraid of failure. If I wrote a blog or put myself out there I would be opening myself up to failure and could I handle that? Of course that was not true either, generally, I have the optimism of Scarlett O’Hara.

What is true is this: I have not written a blog post in three months or promoted my art as much as I should have because I have been afraid to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is hard!  

Being vulnerable means I open myself up to the possibility that you may not like me, my art or what I have to say.

Being vulnerable means I take off the layer of protection I wear. When you draw attention to yourself you loose the safety of the herd. That is why it takes courage.

 Being vulnerable looks like me putting myself out there, creating art, talking about my struggles, fears and triumphs and saying “Hey, I did this.” 

This year I resolve to be courageous by allowing my armor to drop and to be more vulnerable.  I resolve to blog at least once a week and post my other artistic endeavors on Facebook and Instagram when they happen. I resolve to list all my paintings that are for sale on Etsy or some other marketplace. 

If I am not willing to do that, I need to pack up my paints and go home! 
Geesh, I hope this gets easier...

 

Thanks to Brene Brown for The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly.