Here I sit in limbo. I'm back in my studio surrounded by stacks of finished paintings and half finished pieces that are also in limbo, forgotten still life set-ups I could never make interesting and a pile of junk that has slowly accumulated all summer because there was no place else for it to go.

This happens every year. At some point my steady creative output stops. Usually it coincides with summer and the kids getting out of school. That long relished break from schedules and committments turns into something else. I always have good intentions, I am going to keep a sketchbook or something like that but I usually end up literally closing the door (the studio door) on that part of my life.

Then every year about the end of August I feel crazy and totally off center. It is always comes out of the blue and is always a mystery to me. I can't wait for school to start again so I can have time alone to think. The excitement of May and June quickly turns into the despair and depression of late August.

It happens every year and yet I somehow forget. Then it dawns on me, just like its the first time - "Oh! Its the work! Life is not dramatic and melancholy. It's just time to get back to work - back to creating." Then relief sets in, creative plans are made, hope is restored! I'll ease back into my art the same way I'll ease back into exercise and healthy eating! (LOL)

Life has seasons. Nature knows this and takes its break in winter. Somehow, I always forget this important cycle and I am hard on myself. Not only plants but people and ideas need time to take root too.

Just like the rose awakens in March and pushes out its green tendrils, I am waking up after summer. I'm getting ready to put out some tendrils of my own and dreaming of blossoms to come. Now, instead of depression I am excited for this new season!

What do you look forward to in fall? Football? Cooler weather? Do you have new things starting that have been put off all summer too? Let me know by responding to this blog.

Thanks for reading!
Talk to you later,
Beth

Dear Kids,

Being a parent is hard. I look at other people and see how they raise their kids and realize I am quick to criticize them in my head. It is easy to throw stones from my glass house over here.

I also plainly see the mistakes I make. I should probably start keeping a journal of them when they happen because it will make it easier for you when you're older and in therapy. You can just flip through it and say "Oh, here it is, October 2017, my Mom lost her temper and said..."

Sometimes I feel like I am too hard on you. You are just being you - navigating through your own challenges the best you can. I find myself putting pressure on you to know how to do it already. I put pressure on you to know how to act, what to say, how to behave perfectly in every situation like you have had 40 years experience doing it already. I forget that I have had over 40 years experience and still don't know how to act or what to say most of the time. Why do I expect more of you?

I try to tell myself to relax, go easier, be patient but I usually lose it somewhere around homework or reminding you to do the same thing over and over again.

Do you hear the disappointment and contempt in my voice? I do... that's what I am afraid of. I am afraid you hear it, take it to heart and replay it in your head until my voice becomes the soundtrack of you not feeling good enough about yourself.

The truth is - you are good enough. The truth is that I am really happy and delighted and so proud of you. The truth is you are beautiful.

When I fall short and over react and yell at you its often because I am tired or internalizing whatever you have done to make it a reflection on me. The truth is you are a really good kid. When you are upset or insolent it has been building up. I the adult could have steered it somewhere else, or taken your attention from your phone, or given us both a time-out sooner.

I do understand school is hard. It is a lot more demanding than when I was your age. Social drama is hard! You have a lot more distractions to juggle and pick your way through than I did. Why should you always know how to act?

The truth is I only have you around for a few more years and then who knows where you'll go. I promise I will do a much better job of remembering this before I get so frustrated and hit the roof over little things.

How do I want you to remember me as a parent? Do I want you to remember me as the tired woman who never smiled and complained you weren't doing good enough? Or do I want you to remember me as the mother who motivated you and showered you with affection? I want you to remember me as the mother who trusted you and let you work toward your own dreams and goals not mine. I want you to remember me as the person who was always in your corner and had your back. The person who's eyes lit up when they saw you.

To do that I also need to be patient with me. I need to relax and mother myself. I can't work out my imperfections and shortcomings by trying to correct them in you. Your school years are not a way for me to do over mine, they are your lessons to learn for yourself.

Mostly, I need to enjoy you more! As you switch gears and grow into an adult I have to switch gears too. I need to focus more on helping you nurture your inner wisdom as you make your own choices. I must focus on enjoying this journey of raising you before you leave to be the captain of your own journey.

I promise I will work on this. Why? Because, I love you more than you'll ever know.
Mom

Parents Rejoice - School's In...Peace of Mind Is Restored

An Open Letter to My Kids