Parents Rejoice - School's In...Peace of Mind Is Restored

Here I sit in limbo. I'm back in my studio surrounded by stacks of finished paintings and half finished pieces that are also in limbo, forgotten still life set-ups I could never make interesting and a pile of junk that has slowly accumulated all summer because there was no place else for it to go. 

This happens every year. At some point my steady creative output stops. Usually it coincides with summer and the kids getting out of school. That long relished break from schedules and committments turns into something else. I always have good intentions, I am going to keep a sketchbook or something like that but I usually end up literally closing the door (the studio door) on that part of my life.  

Then every year about the end of August I feel crazy and totally off center. It is always comes out of the blue and is always a mystery to me. I can't wait for school to start again so I can have time alone to think. The excitement of May and June quickly turns into the despair and depression of late August.  

It happens every year and yet I somehow forget. Then it dawns on me, just like its the first time - "Oh! Its the work! Life is not dramatic and melancholy. It's just time to get back to work - back to creating." Then relief sets in, creative plans are made, hope is restored! I'll ease back into my art the same way I'll ease back into exercise and healthy eating! (LOL)

Life has seasons. Nature knows this and takes its break in winter. Somehow, I always forget this important cycle and I am hard on myself. Not only plants but people and ideas need time to take root too.

Just like the rose awakens in March and pushes out its green tendrils, I am waking up after summer. I'm getting ready to put out some tendrils of my own and dreaming of blossoms to come. Now, instead of depression I am excited for this new season!

What do you look forward to in fall? Football? Cooler weather? Do you have new things starting that have been put off all summer too? Let me know by responding to this blog.

Thanks for reading!
Talk to you later,
Beth

another stack of paintings...

Honest Reflection On a Hole in the Street

It's January 4th and I am sitting here doing a mental round-up of the past year and contemplating my goals for the future.  

I have been putting off this self-reflection because the (depressing) truth is that there might have been small changes this year and years past but really, I am still in the same place in my art life that I have been for years. Essentially, I have a pattern of one step forward and two to three steps back. I have good intentions but how is it - without making too many excuses- that I find myself in almost the same place I've always been at?

What makes me uncomfortable to admit is that though my intentions are good or the vague goals I set are good, I am actually just living out a series of habituated, auto-pilot behaviors. 

This year I did paint a lot more, I did sell more paintings (18) and I posted more. But, I did not sustain it and I allowed my usual insecurities about money and worthiness to get in the way of painting, selling, posting and enjoying it even more. 

I used to say frequently to myself "I don't want to be 60 years old and still complaining that I don't have time to do "my" art." It occurred to me in this time of contemplation that 60 years old is only 14 years away!! (Gulp) What am I waiting on to really get this off the ground and accomplish the things I want to? I am not content to keep going in the same way that I have been, because inside I am unsettled and know I could be doing more. I don't want to regret all the ideas and pictures in my head that I am not allowing to come to life because of fear or complacency. 

I think what is really at the heart of it all is that I don't truly, down deep inside, believe it is available to me. I don't believe that having this life of my dreams (successful, money making artist and teacher) is an option. I could try to figure out why I feel that way and go over all the possible reasons but that does not change anything and only makes me think that negative thought even more. Instead of reinforcing that belief I need to change it. If a belief is just a thought you think over and over again, I need to reprogram myself with some new beliefs.

This poem by Portia Nelson sums things up beautifully:

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

I think I am teetering between chapters four and five. I am at the corner, I see the hole. I am standing here biting my nails, looking at the hole and also trying to see down the other street. The other street's view is obstructed so I don't exactly know what is down there. That's what makes taking it so scary and why I am hesitating about which way to go.

Can I live consciously in a way that will take me out of auto-pilot and down a brand new street?
Do I have the courage to try and live the joyful life I want?

All it requires is one step, but in which direction?

What are you contemplating for the new year? Leave me a comment and we'll talk!
Wishing you a lovely 2018,
Beth

An Open Letter to My Kids

Dear Kids,

Being a parent is hard. I look at other people and see how they raise their kids and realize I am quick to criticize them in my head. It is easy to throw stones from my glass house over here.

I also plainly see the mistakes I make. I should probably start keeping a journal of them when they happen because it will make it easier for you when you're older and in therapy. You can just flip through it and say "Oh, here it is, October 2017, my Mom lost her temper and said..."

Sometimes I feel like I am too hard on you. You are just being you - navigating through your own challenges the best you can. I find myself putting pressure on you to know how to do it already. I put pressure on you to know how to act, what to say, how to behave perfectly in every situation like you have had 40 years experience doing it already. I forget that I have had over 40 years experience and still don't know how to act or what to say most of the time. Why do I expect more of you?

I try to tell myself to relax, go easier, be patient but I usually lose it somewhere around homework or reminding you to do the same thing over and over again. 

Do you hear the disappointment and contempt in my voice? I do... that's what I am afraid of. I am afraid you hear it, take it to heart and replay it in your head until my voice becomes the soundtrack of you not feeling good enough about yourself.

The truth is - you are good enough. The truth is that I am really happy and delighted and so proud of you. The truth is you are beautiful.

When I fall short and over react and yell at you its often because I am tired or internalizing whatever you have done to make it a reflection on me. The truth is you are a really good kid. When you are upset or insolent it has been building up. I the adult could have steered it somewhere else, or taken your attention from your phone, or given us both a time-out sooner.

I do understand school is hard. It is a lot more demanding than when I was your age. Social drama is hard! You have a lot more distractions to juggle and pick your way through than I did. Why should you always know how to act?

The truth is I only have you around for a few more years and then who knows where you'll go. I promise I will do a much better job of remembering this before I get so frustrated and hit the roof over little things.

How do I want you to remember me as a parent? Do I want you to remember me as the tired woman who never smiled and complained you weren't doing good enough? Or do I want  you to remember me as the mother who motivated you and showered you with affection? I want you to remember me as the mother who trusted you and let you work toward your own dreams and goals not mine. I want you to remember me as the person who was always in your corner and had your back. The person who's eyes lit up when they saw you.

To do that I also need to be patient with me. I need to relax and mother myself. I can't work out my imperfections and shortcomings by trying to correct them in you. Your school years are not a way for me to do over mine, they are your lessons to learn for yourself. 

Mostly, I need to enjoy you more! As you switch gears and grow into an adult I have to switch gears too. I need to focus more on helping you nurture your inner wisdom as you make your own choices. I must focus on enjoying this journey of raising you before you leave to be the captain of your own journey.

I promise I will work on this. Why? Because, I love you more than you'll ever know.
Mom

Could the 1970's Be the Cure for Today's Problems?

I love looking at old magazines. Luckily for me there is a stash at my great-aunt's house. I especially love looking at magazines from the 70s. Yeah, the fashions were pretty ugly. Yeah, people had crazy hairdos. Yeah, the houses looked so dark with their brown paneling and decor that the people must have constantly walked around with flashlights. But, I still love looking at them!

If you can get a feel of an era based on articles and advertisements, the 70s must have been super chill. Half the advertisements are for liquor and the other half are for cigarettes. Judging from Reader's Digest and Woman's Day, people in the 70s spent a lot of time having cocktails, riding bikes and smoking. Those must have been fun times, back when you could drink and smoke and not worry about cancer or the effects of your second hand smoke on your children or, for that matter, people glaring at you for it.

Those times were also idyllic because people still had an attention span that was not ruined by their smart phones. Don't believe that people were smarter? Pick up any old magazine and you will find that it is mostly articles. Sure there are a few big photos but everything, even advertisements, have articles. Why should you buy that bottle of "Old Forrester" for your boss for christmas? Here are three columns worth of reasons for you. Why should you switch to "Southern Comfort" in all your cocktails and serve them according to your guest's zodiac sign? Here's a whole booklet inserted into this magazine for you to read. Why is this canned ham so healthy? Here is an entire dissertation on canned ham. Read it! You have to do something while you sit there and smoke. Now days you are lucky to get two sentences to explain a photo in a magazine. It's true, have you picked up People magazine lately?

I was a kid in the 70s so I don't really remember those years clearly. Certainly my memories are sifted, swirly daydreams of playing and feeling safe in my environment. I know not everyone had happy childhoods but for me the 70s were all about riding free on my bike and building forts in the woods. News of people dying in Vietnam or lying presidents or hostages did not make it through my bubble. When I look at an old Southern Living or Woman's day from the 70s I don't see it there either, I guess that's why I find them so comforting.  

So, if you ever find yourself down or overwhelmed with today's news. Get your hands on a few old magazines. Anything older than 1985 will probably do. You can daydream about how peaceful life would be if you were with those adults in the Tia Maria ad enjoying cocktails on a lamplit veranda overlooking a Jamaican resort beach. Exhale, Ahhhhh!

If you enjoyed this post please like it or leave me a message. Do you have a favorite nostalgic era? Tell me about it.

Until next time, enjoy a few ads from 1974 :-)
Beth

Unfortunately, what they don't tell you is that smoking will kill your taste buds. So much for that wine and quality cheese in the background. But check out that bottle opener - I want it.

Even admiring the sheets is enough of a reason to relax and enjoy your coffee and cigarettes. (Hey, I think my great aunt had those sheets.)

A bike ride, a picnic and a list of cockails to make - what a great afternoon.

Back in the 70's you didn't have to worry about political correctness or apparently eating disorders. This cigarette ad sends a not so subtle message about what smoking can do for your figure.

This ad is proof that our attention spans have shortened. I dare you to try and read it!

Meet the new Voyager, future van of choice for serial killers.

"Trappey's Yams" I just like the sound of it.

If the new iPhone X is too expensive for you get one of these babies, just under $25. It even comes in beige. 

See, I told you growing up in the seventies was great. We didn't need fidget spinners or video games. Look how much giddy fun we could have with puppets.

BLOG BONUS: Here's a nostalgic 1970's recipe for you.
(Now days we just don't use enough "molds" in our "salads.")

If you like looking at old magazines and poking fun at things we used to think were great, you will love lileks.com. 

A Glossary of Chickens

A Glossary of Chickens
There should be a word for the way
they look with just one eye, neck bent,
for beetle or worm or strewn grain.
"Gleaning," maybe, between "gizzard"
and "grit." And for the way they run
toward someone they trust, their skirts
hiked, their plump bodies wobbling:
"bobbling," let's call it, inserted
after "blowout" and before "brood."
There should be terms, too, for things
they do not do –like urinate or chew– 
but perhaps there already are. 
I'd want a word for the way they drink, 
head thrown back, throat wriggling,
like an old woman swallowing
a pill; a word beginning with S,
coming after 'sex feather" and before "shank."
And one for the sweetness of hens
but not roosters. We think
that by naming we can understand,
as if the tongue were more than a muscle.
- Gary J. Whitehead

I found this poem in a book of the same name. The book was in a box full of free stuff outside of a neighbors house. When I saw the title I knew I had found a treasure. I love chickens as I do all animals and like to believe they have personalities and thoughts just like people do. That may sound crazy, and yes, I do like to dress my pets up on occasion. (But that's pretty common, right?)

I like the last two lines of the poem. Perhaps by naming we are trying to understand, by painting we are trying to understand as well. I am not sure if we really do though. Maybe our brain like our tongue is really a muscle and not as capable as we think.

I recently went on a tear painting chickens. I thought of the series more like chicken portraits. I imagined grand lives and personality traits for each one I painted. Most of them are proud, one of them is gentle, one is really pissed off and one is inquisitive but really scared. Can you guess which is which? Here they are collected below. I hope you like them. There are definitely more to come...

Plymouth Rock Rooster, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas PURCHASE HERE

Blissed Out Chick, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE 

Sacred Heart Rooster, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas,   PURCHASE HERE

Black Rooster, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE

El Jefe, 16" x16", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE

El Jefe's Family Portrait Series, Part 1 of 3 "El Jefe", 12" x 8"   PURCHASE HERE

El Jefe's Family Portrait Series, 27" x 12"   PURCHASE HERE

Cheeky, 8" x 8", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE

Tan Rooster, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE

Plymouth Rock Rooster, 9.5" x 7", oil on canvas  PURCHASE HERE

If you liked these chickens leave a comment or buy a painting!

Talk to you later!

Beth

Explorer's Diary, entry No. 1

Inspired by Keri Smith's book "How to Be an Explorer of The World, Portable Life Museum" I am going to do a series of blog posts as an explorer collecting data in the world. Being an explorer totally fits in with trying to live a more creative life.
As a kid, did you ever daydream that you were an explorer? I certainly did and I still do. An explorer is, in their heart, a seriously curious person - a person who is always looking for new things to observe in the world.

Explorer's Diary, Entry No. 1

Quickly record 10 things that you did not notice before you sat down, about the place you are sitting right now. 

1. Paint splatters on the wall.

2. Patterns of paint all over the protective tablecloth.

3. The shadows cast on the wall are blue. 

4. I have a red olive oil can for brushes. 

5. There is a small picture of my last dog, Fred, looking at me. 

6. I have a little statue of Mother Mary who, instead of facing forward, is slightly turned left and facing me directly - spooky. (I actually have two images of the Madonna in front of me)

7. There are 34 images of birds in my direct sight line.  

8. There are three pieces of art by other artists right in front of me. Two by the talented Billy Aaron Brown and one by Abbey Ryan.

9. I have lots and lots and lots of brushes but I mostly use just 3.

10. There is a picture of my art accountability partner (Anne Barnes) smiling at me from my bulletin board...she is reminding me to hold us both accountable! 

What good was this little exercise? As I pointedly looked around my space I felt so grateful for my surroundings. I love the things I have collected. I love all the bright colors and inspirational quotes. I love being reminded of special people! (BA & AB). Recognizing that all those things surround me was energizing.

Familiarity and habitual behavior can hide things in plain sight!

I challenge you to do this same exploration right now. Are you sitting at your desk at work? Are you sitting at home reading this on your phone? Stop what you are doing and really look at your surroundings. Make a quick note of 10 things you see. It just might change how you feel about your surroundings.
p.s. If you do this post your observations below.